


Living with Both

by rocketfire



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-05 07:37:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1810489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketfire/pseuds/rocketfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean realizes that with love comes fear</p>
            </blockquote>





	Living with Both

It was one of those rare times that the soldiers had a moment of quiet, of freedom. It was one of those days in which the rain came down hard. It was the type of rain that comes down in a satisfying pound, instead of an annoying drizzle. It was the type of downpour that enabled one to cry big tears that could have been mistaken for not theirs, but the sky’s.   
Despite the type of rain that it was, despite the thunder being loud enough to cover the wrenching sobs of Jean Kirshtein, it wasn’t enough. For through the sheets of rain, the crumpled look on Jean’s face gave away his fear. No, Jean Kirshtein was not crying out of grief, at least not yet, he thought, but because of the terror.  
There was the terror of confession. Confessions of love.  
There was the terror of rejection. The possibility that followed confession closely behind  
There was the terror of death. Jean had never truly been afraid to die, because there was never anyone around to stay for. No, he was not on a constant suicide mission like Eren Yeager, but he had initially just wanted to live for himself. Jean realized in the rain that he never knew what true fear was until he realized love. He feared death. He feared death because he wanted to live for others.  
And now he knew love. He knew love because of brown.  
There were the eyes. They were wide and brown and full of warmth.  
Jean Kirshtein knew love because of freckles. Those freckles plastered on alabaster skin. Those freckles that moved when love smiled.  
Jean knew love because of arms that held him and lips that whispered “it’ll be okay” and hands that held his own.  
And most of all, there was the terror of being left. Being left alone.  
This, decided Jean, was the most terrifying of all.  
Because Jean could never, ever live without brown and freckles and love’s arms and love’s hands and love’s lips. How Jean wanted to feel his lips against love’s.  
Against his love. Marco.  
Jean waited in the rain. Sat down against the wall. The neverending stone wall.  
He waited and waited.  
He waited for an hour.  
His arms bent over his knees in near loss of hope.  
He stood up rapidly, and sprinted to the imfirmirary’s door once more, after twelve times that day. He bolted through the doorway and slammed his hands on the desk.  
No, they told him. You can’t come in, they told him. You have to wait, they told him.  
Jean walked back into the rain.  
And he stayed there all night.  
He slept right there on the ground outside the door, in the rain, waiting. While he slept, he dreamt. He dreamt of a different world. He dreamt of a world with sweet smelling flowers and no man eating giants and never being alone and the sight of brown, freckles, and thump of two hearts free of terror. He dreamt of a world free of terror. The rain let up sometime in the middle of the night.  
The first rays of the sun fell upon the sleeping boy. He really was just a boy. Waiting to speak and live and love.   
Jean Kirshtein blinked his amber eyes, lined with thick lashes. He sat up rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and a moment after, they widened. His legs then moved him toward the door.  
No one objected upon his entering this time.  
He walked into a room- no. He ran into the room.  
It contained brown and freckles and one hand, one arm, and both lips.  
It also contained company and life and love.  
Jean’s heart started again and his breath proceeded to exit his body, after an intake of air.   
He walked to the sleeping love of his life and lay down right next to him on his hospital bed. Despite all the tubes exiting and entering the boy, Marco looked full of life. He was full of life. And there was the thump of two hearts.  
Marco stirred and awoke, and Jean was surrounded in brown. An arm came up around him and held Jean and he was suddenly terrified.  
“I love you”  
Jean spoke these words and Marco smiled and cupped Jean’s face with his one hand and spoke the words back to the terrified boy.  
“I love you”  
Jean leaned in and finally kissed Marco. Marco’s lips were warm and chapped from living and they pressed back and Jean finally realized that he’d have to live with both fear and love.  
He was okay with that, he realized as he lay there with Marco.   
Marco Bodt was okay, and therefore, so was Jean Kirshtein.  
Jean was thankful he had fear. For now he knew love.

**Author's Note:**

> One-shot  
> unedited  
> hope you enjoyed!  
> please please please comment!  
> -Lauren


End file.
